There are two kinds of people in the world, the ones that when you are down, kick you. Then there are those who lift you back up and make you feel like you can fly again. Today is national suicide awareness day and I mulled over what to write , then I looked down and stared at my finger with a paper cut on it and thought this is taking so long to heal , shouldn’t my skin have healed overnight. Then for a minute I thought what is it that goes thru the mind of someone who takes their own life and It came to me the cut is too deep and there is no one telling them they can or will fly again. This blog post is dedicated to my muse ,Sharryl who’s brother took his life and his last thoughts must have been there was not a solution to his pain. I praise the friendships I’ve had over the years, the ones who lift me up when I’m feeling down and the ones that have kicked me when I’m down, that i was strong enough to release them back into the world.
Well I’ve been off the grid for a short time , but I’m BACK. I spent a glorious ten days in California, spent time with my friend Sharryl she is better known as my muse. There is never a dull moment with her or a silent one. I spent three days in Laguna Beach. We spent most of our time laughing and hanging at the beach. Then traveled up the coast to Venice Beach. Had dinner with my sisters and a fun night out with josh’s cousins. Hope everyone is having a peaceful end of summer and back to school days went well. I will be right back with some stories of woe and humor shortly. Below is a picture of Noah playing basketball with the assistant coach from the L/A. Clippers and the other is a picture of Laguna and last but not least is a picture of my sisters and my son.
Here is my new daily prayer.
Dear Father , may I always have laughter and love in my heart, even when I feel defeated by life. May I always forgive others even when they don’t ask for forgiveness. Give me patience and understanding in a world full of heartless terrorism and hate. May I rise above my obstacles and come out on the other side with a pure soul and love for all. Amen
I said this to myself after spending five hours in the er after having a panic attack . I thought it was a heart attack. One thing I’m grateful for is there are lots of hospitals here in St. Louis because I think they know my name at that one. My husband was silent on the drive home , I asked , Are you upset with me for wasting your day , he turned to me and said no I’m not but you have had your whole body examined this year and you have a clean bill of health and this is the end of the road for your hypo behavior. So I had to start praying for myself . Lol
- A Compliment
- Saying I love you
- Making someone feel special
- Pointing out a friends good traits
- Stepping on a bug, you knew I would throw one ringer in there.
- I love to make lists, you know that by now I’m sure. I’m semi on summer vacation, in my mind I have a bunch of lists going around right now. One I’m getting ready to go on vacation and looking forward to relaxing on the beach. Drinking wine and dining while watching the waves roll in. There is nothing better than a family vacation in southern California. I’ve been on a diet now and down 13 pounds woo hoo only 30 more to go. I was on the stair machine at the gym and I was chatting it up with a gal who said she was trying to lose her baby weight. I said me too and in walks in my baby almost six feet tall and the look on her face was priceless.
I laid awake last night and thought what is the meaning of my name. I thought it first appeared on my birth certificate and it will appear on my grave marker, how ironic in between it is my signature, written on checks , used to sign my child’s homework , to apply for a mortgage and in other words you sign your life away and in the end it is what you are left with your namesake. I used to hate my name , I would day dream in school I was someone else, I even invented my alter ego and her name was joan… lol she had six kids like the brady bunch and she was important. The one reason I hated my name is because you would see chrystal’s walking the streets or maybe on jerry springer trying to find their baby daddy, or on court tv being sued for giving someone an std. I want people to say my name and say she should have been the last comic standing or she made me feel special and loved. But in the end, I will be noah’s mother and he will always remember my name and that my friend is my legacy.“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
I decided to dedicate the next two months to a dear dairy. It will be about weight loss and shedding my anger issues and forgiving those who have trespassed against me. So here it goes this is day 5 of my diet ,I have lost five pounds and I’m starting to feel like I’m on my way to a slimmer biatch. Mercury is in retrograde again, this Friday the moon is full and it is also the 13th. WTF. So I opened the mail today to find my sons report card and his best grade is an A in speech and drama. Then there was a letter attached that said I owed ten dollars for a book he checked out in 2013 on nutrition and healthy snacks . I could not make this up. So I waited for him to get home and said why would you check a book like that out in the first place and where is it? I don’t know, he replied but it had a good mac and cheese recipe in it, remember we made it for the class project. So that priceless moment in time cost me a mere 10 bucks. Oh well it could be worse right? Then I went to get my yearly mammogram, that is such a frightening experience they torture your breasts and twist them into balloon animals and they don’t even smile. At least they could smile right ? Then on to my favorite thing to do a visit with the gyno , As I’m sitting on the table in a thin piece of cotton that barely covers my business, i find myself staring at the pap smear paraphernalia laughing out loud and thinking I know these walls are paper thin and the woman sitting in front of this door is probably signaling my doctor don’t go in there, but he does any way and he says, good to see you chrystal and I said thank god you came in when you did I was about to give myself an exam ,then give myself a consult and write a prescription for hormone replacements and go ask the mean person at the desk for my copay back. He just stared at me with fear in his eyes , I could not stop laughing and I’m sure he thought I had smoked a big fat one on the way there . But I didn’t pure me on a Tuesday while mercury is in retrograde.
I think I’m going through a midlife crisis. I keep telling myself to “make lemonade from my lemons,” but I keep wanting to throw them at someone. I’m on a mission, and change is coming to my life soon. I’ve made a list, and of course, you lovely readers, all two of you, you know who you are. I’m starting with a diet. I will let you know how it goes after I lose my first ten pounds. Also, I will start looking for a new job. I feel stagnant and angry; I hate change so much that I’m now making excuses and not taking the bull by the horns and going for it. I’m goal-challenged, and that little yellow bus has got me spinning around in circles. But it’s time. There’s no time like the present, right? I’m starting with a two-month goal. It’s a long list for two months. Here it goes: lose weight and go to the gym, not just sit in the parking lot and look at everyone walking in till I find a fatty to follow in. Then I’m going to get Botox, a spray tan, and a vacation in Laguna Beach(California), my favorite city. Maybe learn to paddleboard. I want to be able to have a conversation with someone and not have to worry that my Spanx will slip down below my stomach line. This all seems like a lot for two months, but I’m going to try. I will keep you updated every week on the diet at least.
Oh, how I love family time, when we all sit around watching our favorite shows and not one person is watching. My son is Googling his next pair of basketball shoes. My spouse is playing Candy Crush or Googling “where to spend time alone where no one can find you,” and I’m searching travel sites for the best family vacation ever. WTH what is wrong with us?I’m all for downtime, unwind time, and time to not have to answer the phone, but why doesn’t anyone want to talk? I picture the caveman days were much happier. They had to sit in the dark and do charades, build a fire, hunt for their dinner, and entertain the whole cave by telling ghost stories. They could walk around in their underwear or not wear any at all. They didn’t have to worry that their neighbors had nicer yards when they only had a fancy dirt path. I need a time machine, and I’m going back to a simpler time. Does anyone want to ride along? If you do, bring your iPhone, your GPS,iPad, iPad mini, and several chargers.
Why are mother-daughter relationships so terribly hard? I was born to a teen mother and, for the life of me, I have never been able to connect with her. She has often said she did all she could do and while most people would be grateful, I,apparently, am not. I don’t know what it would feel like to bring someone into the world and not be in awe of every moment of their life and love them unconditionally. I know the minute I brought my child into the world, I already knew his smell and his touch. I remember when they brought him in during the middle of the night to feed in the hospital, I thought “It’s dark. What if this isn’t my child?” and then I smelled him, and I knew. I don’t want my mother to make up for not knowing how to love someone; I would like her to look say, hey, I didn’t give you much love as a child because I didn’t have it in me to give, but I will not tell you about all your faults and crush your spirit anymore. Hey, how about that for starters? Nowadays, girls cut themselves to feel pain. I would have been a cutter, but I am a klutz. I am glad I do not live in today’s world, or I would be dead. I do not blame her for my father’s absence; I blame her because she was not there for me, too. I was out shopping the other day with my friend, and I said, “Boy, I really got the short straw on parents.” She replied, “Well, mine was a close second.” Then, she told me her stories, and for a minute, it made me feel better that we shared some pain. However, I realized that I cannot feel that way anymore. I have a child to raise and a husband to love, and I am not as damaged and as unwanted as I think.
Sometimes I go into hibernation, this time of year. I hide from friends and I don’t take their calls; I just act like I’m not here. I’m lost in my own existence for a while. I just take some time to untangle all the bullshit trapped in my head. I usually don’t notice I’ve gone away until someone says “You don’t call me anymore. What’s wrong?” Then I stop and think I need to start some soul searching. I’m a Class A felon when it comes to feeling sorry for myself. I’m also a hypochondriac, which I’ve inherited from my mother. She texted me the other day and said “I went to have my yearly mammogram today and on the way there I went over in my head; what should I do if it’s bad news? Should I have a double mastectomy or just a lumpectomy? Well, it turned out fine; I’m cancer free. I wrote back, “That is awesome, you get to keep your boobs one more year.” Then I thought, we both live in fear, and I am like my mother, even though I said I never would .
First, I opened my eyes, waking in a Xanax sleep haze. I rolled out of bed and made coffee. I went to let the dogs out and found my favorite TOMS in shreds on the floor. I logged onto my work computer, and my request for time off was turned down. I went into the kitchen to make a bowl of cereal, and when I pulled the box out of the cupboard, half a box of macaroni spilled all over. I left it; I could not face how this manic Monday was going. I went to the mail box and found a check from my mortgage company. Supposedly, I was in a class-action suit against them. So, then I put a smile on my face, and I went back to talking to the crazies calling me. Then, I get off work, and my friend, Sharryl, calls to tell me that the dog her aunt had for 16 years had died. This is the same aunt who is faking having cancer so her church will have empathy for her after getting a DUI on her horse. No, I could not make this shit up.OK, back to my call with Sharryl. I’m listening to her stories intently, and I look over and find my puppy chewing on a whole sheet of laxatives.OMG! So, I don’t have to ever say thank God it’s Friday. I have to say thank God I made it through mental Monday, and I can still walk upright.